I, Mic Walker, hereby announce my write-in vote campaign for Mayor of The United States of America, as well as Lake St Louis, St Louis County and City—and, possibly the State of Misery at large.
I am committed to building not a wall, but bridges, but not only bridged, I am committed to building an Artch across the rivers that divide our once united States of America.
I fight for the old, and the young, and I’m committed to writing the inspiring story of the St Louos of our dreams, and filming the documentary starting next January while we make it true. We aren’t just rewriting a story of St Louis’ bright future, we’re also rewriting its past.
I fight for the old, and the young. I’ve been told that I sound like Ronald Reagan, but my words are straight Snoop Dog.
Here’s a recent campaign speech written by my speechwriter Pat Tse.
And I walk with a walker.
I fight for you—the little people from the little lake Louise.
Like you, I too am sick and tired of being unable to find good organic food in the 63367 zip code. Why must we ford a river in our gun-racked Chevrolets just to get a good gluten-free organic pita bread?
When I become Mayor, I will bring overpriced Whole Foodstuffs here… to our home town. And, lest you begin to think that I’m one of those Las Vegas vegan liberals who are soft on crime… in our Whole Foods, we will have a firearms aisle—as Mayor, I promise to bring bread, bullets, and baby formula under one roof for your citizenial convenience.
In the late words of my swimming and vocal coach, the muscular Missouri man who taught this Lake Louise boy how to swim underwater and sing (not necessarily at the same time), “You can’t take the Missouri out of The Man, but you can take the man out of Misery.”
After he said that, he moved to California and lived happily ever after.
Why do I tell you that story as part of my campaign for Mayor of Lake St Louis?
Because…
Let’s face it.